Chess in Cheek

Magnus Carlsen (the Scandinavian Tom Sawyer) at 14

Photos from chessbase

On Wednesday, Universal Event Promotion announced, as expected, that Vishwanathan Anand and Vladimir Kramnik will compete in an October 2008 match for the World Chess Championship. However, in a surprise move that is sure to generate controversy — possibly even mild indignation — UEP simultaneously issued a press release accusing Kramnik of persecuting Anand.

The alleged persecution took place during September’s World Championship tournament in Mexico City. According to UEP, Kramnik teamed up with Israeli contestant Boris Gelfand to oppress the Indian grandmaster.

The culmination of the tournament was after the 9 th round - after the second free day. Anand made a draw with Aronian whereas his persecutors (Gelfand and Kramnik) lost to Grischuk and Morozevich accordingly.

(UEP press release World Championship 2008, about two-thirds of the way down)

Apparently, the inflictions escalated over the course of the tournament, reaching an unbearable intensity by the eleventh round. Fortunately, soon-to-be-World-Champion Anand was able to elude the two bullies, racing away from them as soon as he finished his game — or as UEP puts it:

A tremendous spurt of a leader from his persecutors became critical after the 11th round, when Vishy Anand made the fourth victory over Alexander Morozevich.

This “tremendous spurt” shows that Anand is as fast with his legs as he is with his Bishops, which no doubt saved him from some harrowing torments that day. While it’s not clear what sort of ordeal the two had in mind for him, it’s quite possible that the KGB and Shin Bet have taught some pretty useful techniques to Kramnik and Gelfand respectively, against which Anand’s tender Brahmin flesh, accustomed to the kindlier sensibilities of a vegetarian society, might be little protection.

Apparently, however, some unspecified powers-that-be determined that Kramnik and Gelfand should pay for their misdeeds — or, as the UEP puts it, “The Champion’s title had been already defined — to be unattainable for the persecutors.” Thank goodness for the angels that protect our great game.

As a result, the evildoers had to settle for competing for second place. But it seems that the second-place trophy itself came to life in anger at the thought of being given to one of the two cruel miscreants. UEP’s wording is a bit unclear, but presumably when they say, “In the 12th round the heated struggle for the second place became enraged,” this is what they mean. I wish I could have been there to see that trophy hopping off its shelf, hopping mad, and exclaiming in a small, indignant voice, “I will not be given to either of those two brutes unless they leave poor Vishy alone.” I don’t know what kind of voice a trophy has, but perhaps it resembles the voice of a trophy wife.

Treachery was involved as well: one of Anand’s own countrymen was in on the Kramnik-Gelfand plot. UEP magnanimously declines to identify him, but does clarify that Anand missed an opportunity to bring him to justice:

Anand reacted very quickly, but inaccurately. As a result, an Indian Grandmaster managed to escape…

Probably he ran to Kramnik’s bathroom and used some of the extensive equipment Kramnik is rumored to keep there to pry open the window.

Given all this, it’s odd that UEP even wants to organize this match. Well, let’s hope they keep it clean. The motto for the World Chess Championship should be:

KEEP THE SPANISH INQUISITION OUT OF CHESS

NO PERSECUTIONS IN 2008

And perhaps UEP’s motto should simply be:

FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ENGLISH

Alexei Shirov

Gata Kamsky

Pictures are from Chessbase.

After Norwegian Magnus Carlsen and Ukrainian Sergey Karjakin, wunderkinds of the World Cup, charged through the quarterfinals, leaving Cheparinov and Alekseev in the dust as the latest in a long string of victims, promoters of youth chess drooled at the prospect of an all-underage World Cup Final. Chess would become sexy, the voting age would be lowered, and good-looking high school girls would dump their jock boyfriends and start dating nerdy boardgame players.

Instead, the two red-eyed seventeen year olds are on their way back to their respective mothers.

Two hardened veterans, Tatar-American Gata Kamsky and Lettish-Spaniard Alexei Shirov, crushed the teenagers in their tracks, Kamsky hammering Carlsen with an exchange up as White after easily holding a draw as Black, Shirov dominating his tiebreak with Karjakin so much that he barely missed needlessly winning both games.

Gata Kamsky: You talkin’ to me, kid?

Going into the semis each needing to win a mere four matches in a row to gain the 2009 World Championship, the two juniors were just starting to scream, “I want it! I want it!”, but, alas, they did not get it. They did earn coveted spots in the Grand Prix that give them a shot at playing for the World Championship in 2010, which, combined with copious quantities of cookies and warm milk, will have to console them for now–and hopefully quiet them down.

Finalists Shirov and Kamsky have only had to play one tiebreaker apiece, each of them winning five of their six two-game matchups at classical time controls. Shirov now has a chance to achieve his fondest dream by avenging his match victory over Kramnik in 1998. Kramnik capitalized on the loss to achieve a title match with Kasparov, and the rest is history. Shirov is still smarting from the triumph. If he can overcome Kamsky and Topalov in match play, and Kramnik beats Anand to regain the world championship, Shirov will have a chance to finally prove that he really isn’t as good as Kramnik after all.

Kamsky is benefitting from playing the Cup in his native Siberia, where he grew up in relative freedom during the Soviet era, since he could not be sent to Siberia. After failing to win the right to challenge Kasparov in the nineties, he spent seven years away from chess. If Carlsen and Karjakin had done this, they would have to call up their babysitters to relearn how the horsie moves.

Viking invader Carlsen–the only non-Soviet born semifinalist–was driven back to the only slightly less frigid shores of Norway. His flotilla of chess skills defeated, he will have to content himself with sinking boats in his bathtub.

Magnus the Red: repelled from Russian shores